


Death Dream

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, OOC, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, anger issues, it was supposed to be a humour fic then this happened, not really defined or diagnosed mental health issues, poor babies, they just have a lot of stuff going on in their heads, this ended up being way more emotionally draining than I thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:32:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6060580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He needed… he needed. What did he need? He didn’t know anymore. He thought of the sea, the calmness of the waves washing in and out, the orderly pattern in a body of disorder. He needed the sea. He needed the sand between his toes, he needed to lie back and let the water claim him, let it wash him away."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death Dream

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea started out as like Kylo/Hux have a bit of a thing, then Kylo leaves for a month round trip to Europe without telling anyone because he's mad at his parents then like he gets back and barista!Hux throws coffee in his face, but alas somehow this happened? Maybe one day I'll write that other fic (there was like a Phasma and Kylo drug induced dance party in Amsterdam which was going to be MAGIC, but again I was feeling weird.) 
> 
> This is probably not the best representation of any mental health issues. A lot of what Hux feels and says are things that I often feel (but never say because I'm emotionally repressed like that), but I don't really know how to define what I feel. Am I depressed, do I have anxiety, am I just particularly interested in drowning? Who knows. I certainly don't. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!  
> And if you know the band they're seeing at the beginning (also where the title is from) then dude, hit me up bro and let's talk about THE AMAZING NEW SONG

“I didn’t expect to see you here, Hux.” A deep, familiar voice said, yelling a little to be heard over the music.

Hux tried to hide his jump of surprise, turning to see Kylo Ren leaning close to him. There was a strange look in his eyes that Hux couldn’t decipher.

“Am I not allowed to have interests now?” he asked dryly as he turned his gaze back to the stage. He felt Kylo step even closer to him, looming over his shoulder and breathing close to his ear.

“Mhmm, you are, I just expected them to be the history of military tactics or something, not Scottish rock.” Kylo brought his hand to Hux’s waist, almost using the ginger man as crutch as he swayed lightly to the rhythm of the guitar.

“Oh yes, I spend all my time wishing I was a revered general.” He huffed, ignoring the invasive hand for now, though it made panic rise in his stomach, “That’s why I work at a failing coffee shop and am on my second pointless degree.”

“There’s so much more to you than that.” He replied tenderly, “I wish you could see what I see.”

Hux’s breath caught at the words. It had been a long time coming, this moment. From the moment they met in the run-down First Order café, to the bitter arguments late into the night in their respective flats, to the quiet moments in between, lounging on the grass outside Hux’s university sharing a cheap cigarette and sitting in Kylo’s flat as he secretly painted Hux.

Kylo’s face was close enough that when Hux turned his head their noses touched. Neither of them pulled away, each wanting to make a move but too scared to do it. The music hummed through the room, the melancholic tune a sharp contrast to the warmth of the space between their lips, to the bubble of hope that shone in each other’s eyes.

Kylo closed his eyes as last notes of the song trailed off into near silence. The singer took a harsh breath and there was a beat before the audience cheered and clapped, the sound shaking Hux out of his trance.

He blinked once, twice, as Kylo brushed his lips against his. He allowed the contact for the briefest of moments before rearing back like a startled animal and storming out of the concert hall, leaving a bewildered Kylo almost tumbling into the space he had once been.

Each step felt like Hux was falling, like he was about to collapse at any moment. He felt light, like he could float away, and his breaths developed from quick and shallow to long and laboured, engulfing more air than he could possibly need but it still felt like he wasn’t breathing, that no air was making it into his lungs.

The cool night air only made him realise the sheen of sweat on his back, but he wasn’t warm, god no, he was cold, so cold that he couldn’t feel his fingers as they shook, dread seeping over him.

He needed… he needed. What did he need? He didn’t know anymore. He thought of the sea, the calmness of the waves washing in and out, the orderly pattern in a body of disorder. He needed the sea. He needed the sand between his toes, he needed to lie back and let the water claim him, let it wash him away.

But he was far from the ocean. There was no sanctuary here. There was just a grey fog, the city a dreary blur. In his delirium he stumbled to the river, somehow making the ten minute walk on shaky legs.

He gasped out harsh breaths as he gripped the railings, looking out at the flow of the river. Tears pricked at his eyes and he couldn’t explain why. He couldn’t explain any of this. He had longed for the feel of Kylo’s lips for months, and yet as soon as he was confronted with the reality he couldn’t stop the worry, or the guilt, or the fear, the fear that his life was spiralling out of control, that it was no longer in his hands. How could he share himself with another person? How could he have a relationship of all things with Kylo Ren? No, how could Kylo Ren want a relationship with _him?_

Maybe that was just it. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he just wanted an easy fuck. That had to be it. How had even entertained the notion that anyone could care for him?

Every little worry that he pushed to the back of his mind over the past few years slammed into his consciousness; that he was failing his family, failing his father, failing himself. Except he wasn’t failing, he had already failed.

He looked once more into water below him, and a thought flashed through his mind.

_Let it take you._

He’d often entertained the idea, mostly as a curiosity but sometimes, on his darkest days, as a reality. I’m drowning in my own mind, he thought, why not make it a reality?

With sure footing he stepped up onto the lowest bar of the railing, now his torso was well above the top of the barrier and all he had to do was loosen his grip and _lean…_

“Hux!” Kylo’s voice called out from behind him

Hux wobbled, hands gripping the railing tight once more. He didn’t step down though, just stood, fighting against the pull of the torrents below.

“Hux,” Kylo said again, but softly, gently. He cautiously stepped closer to where the ginger man was precariously balanced, “What are you doing?”

He had to laugh, a bitter, cheerless laugh, “I’m… I just wanted to look at the river.”

“It seems a little dangerous to be climbing up on there just to look at some water.”

“Not particularly.” He sighed. He was a coward. He knew he couldn’t do it. He failed _again_.

“What are you talking about? You’re one gust of wind away from falling in.”

“Well it wouldn’t be so bad. I’ve heard it’s a pretty peaceful way to go.”

Kylo was quiet for a moment, “That a bit of a worrying thing for some who is hanging over a railing to say.”  

Hux groused, anger growing, “What do you want, Ren?”

“Well ideally for you to stop pulling a move from Titanic and step down. Unless you want me to be the Jack to you Rose?” Kylo joked half-heartedly, still concerned about the scene he had walked in on.

“Fuck off, Ren.”

“But,” Kylo continued, feeling particularly open in light of the situation, “I guess I have something to ask of you, too.”

Kylo took a very tentative step closer to Hux, now within arm’s reach. He gently laid a soothing hand on Hux’s arm, silently begging him to look at his face.

They stayed like that for a timeless moment, the sound of the water below and the faint roar of cars a few streets over the only noise.

“You’re asking everything of me.” Hux finally said, leaning back and stepping down from the railing. He caught Kylo’s gaze, “If you’re asking me what I hope you’re asking me.”

“And what’s that? What do you hope?” Kylo brought his other hand to Hux’s waist, a confirmation that the man in front of him was real and safe.

“That you want us to be something.” Hux managed to say through the screaming in his head to _run, just go, this will only end badly._

The taller man smiled, a sad half quirk of his lips, “Hux.” He trailed his hand along Hux’s arm until their hands met, fingers meshing together while his thumb stroked over the ginger’s knuckles, “Of course I want us to be something. How could I not?”

There was no stopping the tears that formed in Hux’s eyes. He had never… no-one had ever cared. No-one had ever touched him so lovingly before. He didn’t know what to do. He still felt unworthy, he was still terrified of letting someone else into his life, but he craved this touched more than anything. He wanted Kylo. He wanted the rows, the fights, the fond looks even as insults spewed from their mouths, he wanted the casual touches and to laugh at the grim sense of humour they both shared, he wanted to listen to Kylo rant on about how great Darth Vader is, he wanted late night talks and philosophical debates that spiralled into stupid jokes and puns, he wanted it _all._

Maybe the panic would never leave him. Maybe the crippling fear that he will fail will always be there. But maybe, just maybe, he could try. Maybe he could give happiness a chance. Maybe he deserved something good for once.

“I- I don’t need you to save me. I don’t need you to give my life purpose. Being with you is not going to erase all these things I feel, being with you is not going to- to _fix_ me.” He warned. He needed Kylo to know that it wouldn’t be easy.

Kylo waited patiently while Hux tried to find the words.

“I don’t… I don’t want my life to stop. I just want this… this _noise_ to stop. This void that consumes me and overwhelms me sometimes and makes me think that maybe this is all there’ll ever be. I want to be in control of my life again. And… and if you still want to be with me, well… well now you know.”

“Thank you. For telling me all that. I… I won’t pretend to know exactly what it feels like. And I don’t want to take anything away from what you just said but… I’m not the easiest person to be with either. You know that I have trouble with dealing with anger. That I just can’t stop myself from breaking something, from letting it all out. I would never physically hurt anyone, but that’s the only restraint I have. The things I’ve said to my family, the things I’ve said to _you_ …” he frowned, looking down, “But… but you also know that I’ve been doing better, I’ve been calmer. And... and a lot of it is thanks to you. You help me to stay calm.”

“I suppose, in the cheesiest way possible, we make each other better.” Hux managed a small smile.

Their faces were close in a parallel to earlier in the evening, but this time there was no doubt between the two; they both knew what the other wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> So I have not written a fic in a long, long time. Not since the dark days where I was a major... well let's just say I am not proud of the fandom I was once in. 
> 
> I had to come back though, for the ship that has destroyed my life like Starkiller base destroyed the Hosnian system (ouch, too soon?). 
> 
> Also, I suck balls at writing endings. Like a cheesy kiss? Please m8.  
> And also suck at writing beginnings. Well. Call this practice for my ultimate Kylo pining over Hux while on an impromptu Europe trip and tripping on acid with Phasma fic.


End file.
